I'm not day dreaming, I'm multi-tasking!
"Excuse me ma'am. I hate to bother you, but you were snoring."
by Debra Gawrych
A gentle poke and nudge to my back right shoulder, along with soft hesitant tones came from a young man sitting behind me in a planetarium during a school field trip.
I would have been embarrassed, but raising three children teaches you never to be embarrassed, especially when it involves important life functions, such as food, sleep or going to the bathroom. Parenting opens a whole new world of skills, such as diplomatically negotiating with a recently potty-trained three year old who wails that she has to go to the potty after you've been waiting 20 minutes at the checkout counter and you're next in line. Or better yet, you're on an airplane and two of your three children are sitting behind you and one of the children declares loudly "Okay, who let the stinker?"
These types of everyday family occurrences teach a parent early to perfect the "look" which appears to unenlightened as a vacant stare. The stare leads most people to believe you are either day-dreaming, on medication or that nobody is home, which is exactly what you are trying to achieve. If nobody is home the logical progressive is that these children must either belong to somebody else or you could not have possibly influenced their barbaric behavior. It is the look that says, "I have absolutely no idea whose children they are."
In reality, parent's brains are churning out information at an infinitesimal rate while they hide behind the guise of the blank stare. They think about: where to go on summer vacation, what's for dinner, that these pants must have shrunk in the dryer, and who to pick up where from what activity. In other words, these parents are actually multi-tasking; working feverishly behind the façade of complacency.
Research into this phenomenon indicates that daydreaming is one way of opening the right-intuitive-creative side of the brain when we have spent too much time in logical left brain activities and need to balance both sides. When you having a difficult time remember something important such as someone's name or your child's birthday, it makes so much more sense to say, "I can't answer that question right now because there is just too much information running around in my brain." rather than "I'm having a senior moment."
The blank stare has proven quite useful in family negotiations. My husband has it down to a tee. When the children are arguing and asking for someone to settle the argument, he sits quietly staring ahead. The children yell "Dad, Dad," and there is no response. Of course, Mom has to step in and resolve the problem with a "Go to your rooms, until you can discuss this calmly." Only then, when the coast is clear, does he emerge from his blank stare. When questioned why he didn't handle the problem, he replies "What problem? I'm sorry honey, my mind was on a thousand things!" I envy his concentration amidst the chaos at home. It is difficult for a mother to turn off the loud voices of her children, but selective listening is an art many parents have learned to perfect.
Another place the blank stare can be useful is during long meetings. Imagine the benefits derived from being able to quip, "I'm sorry I didn't hear you because I was thinking about possible solutions to the problem you are discussing. This all purpose answer could follow many questions such as when asked by a superior in the meeting "Let's go over this one more time, you spent three months developing a strategic plan for marketing a new line of run-resistant pantyhose and all you could come up with was a suggestion to send a basket of panty hose to Oprah?"
It is also useful in avoiding potentially volatile situations, such as family members who want to gossip about each other, or friends who want to drag you into difficult situation. One cautionary note however, the blank stare must not be used while driving or operating complex machinery. Once, I caught myself muti-tasking in front of the computer and fired off an email to someone. Fortunately the email was returned. Only then did I read its curious comment, "We appreciate your interest in our new book and programs and will gladly send you the three notebooks and box of kleenexes needed for the first day of school. We look forward to partnering with you on this venture," was returned undelivered.
With my new found awareness, I look differently at everyone I see. I no longer think, "Wow! They're really spacey." Or "She isn't paying attention to me." I think, "I wonder what they're thinking about right now? I bet those wheels are really turning inside."
So the next time you see someone with a blank stare on their face, don't jump to the conclusion that nobody is home. Someone is probably there; completing a list, planning the next month's activities, or even writing her next book. If you see me and I appear to be day-dreaming, believe me, I'm there and I'm multi-tasking!
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For more information about how to stay centered in the chaos of daily life, read The Seven Aspects of Sisterhood: Empowering Women Through Self-Discovery. This book recently was awarded Book of the Year Award Finalist by the Independent Publisher's Association. Author Debra J. Gawrych has been featured in Today's American Woman, The Business Journal and on radio and TV shows across the country. She lives what she writes and she struggles to raise three children with her husband, as well as run her own company Common Boundaries® Consulting & Communications in Greensboro, North Carolina.
When asked recently in a radio interview if she felt that she was an empowered woman, Debra answered with a laugh, "Some days and other days I do the best I can."
