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New Year's Resolutions

How to Make Them, How to Break Them

Lecture-Greensboro Public Library
Brown Bag Lunch Series

Okay, so here it is another new year. It is the time of the year most of us like to take stock of our lives: how and where we spend our time. Some of us are disciplined about making resolutions and sticking with them throughout the year. Others give it a few minutes thought because everyone else is doing it, then we promptly forget them the next day.

Still others fall in a category, somewhere in between; we take stock, come up with some sound resolutions, start following our resolutions with conviction and somewhere along the way we get sidetracked and fail to keep them. Many times we feel guilty about not sticking with them, we mentally berate ourselves for being weak while we outwardly acknowledge the futility of trying to keep promises made at the New Year. "How could we expect ourselves to do something that no one else seems to be able to do? At least not most people."

Of course, we have to concede that a few saintly or driven people exist that follow the course no matter what happens. But, what about the rest of us human beings? How can we live with the stress of making resolutions that we know we probably won't keep?

Allow me to share with you a top ten list for making New Year's Resolutions I devised after much research:

TOP TEN WAYS TO MAKE YOUR NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION
…or not

  1. Attend lecture at your local public library to find out how to make your New Year's Resolutions.
  2. Start smoking before the end of the year, so you will have a really good resolution to make.
  3. Gain weight before the end of the year, so you will have another really good resolution to make.
  4. Make a list.
  5. Check it twice.
  6. Find out if you've been naughty or nice.
  7. Read a book about making resolutions.
  8. Search the internet for advice about making resolutions.
  9. Pay someone else to keep track of your resolutions. For only $9.95 you can pay an internet tracking service to help you keep your resolutions!
  10. And the number 1 way to make your New Year's Resolution is:
    Resolve to not make one in the first place.

While I give this list to you in good fun and humor, it still doesn't take away the pressure we face about making resolutions this time of year, unless of course, you just say NO.

Before we talk about some possibilities for making resolutions and breaking them, let's explore the history of this annual phenomenon. How many of us really understand why we subject ourselves to this torture year in and year?

We can trace the roots of this tradition back to the day of Babylonia. Over 4,000 years ago, Babylonians celebrated the New Year in the spring to celebrate spring planting and to bless the crops for the coming year. Although the Roman calendar was not yet made, it is estimated that the time of their celebration would coincide with the month of March. These people would gather and make resolutions in good faith to encourage a healthly harvest for the end of the year. Back then it was heartfelt, because they didn't have grocery stores to rely on if the season was bad, they starved. With their belief systems in the inter-relationships between man, faith in god and that faith was directly related to the bounty of the harvest, they prayed, made their resolutions and stuck to them for fear that if they didn't, they wouldn't eat.

Which brings us back to the point of why we so often fail to keep our resolutions, there is little accountability. What happens if we fail to lose the extra 10 pounds we resolved to lose? What are the immediate effects if we fail to quit smoking? What happens if we fail in our resolve to take up a new hobby? Fail to exercise? Go to church? Usually nothing except the nagging voice in our heads that says-"Oh well, it is only a New Year's resolution."

So now to how to make a New Year's Resolution.

First start with your general GOALS. What do you really want to focus on for the coming year? What energizes you? List one big item or several smaller ones. The point is to make it yours. Then you can make sure that your energy is focused on realizing those goals.

Second, be honest about your INTENT. Why are you making the resolution in the first place? If you are not clear about this point, don't make one until you are.

Third, ASSESS HOW AND WHERE YOU SPEND YOUR TIME AND ENERGY.

This is the most important process if you really want to stick to your New Year's Resolutions. Simply write on a single sheet of paper, three columns. The headings are: Where I spent my time, Where I would like to spend my time, Plan of Action.

For example:

Last Year I Did What I Would like To Do Plan of Action
Took French classes finish my book Stop taking classes
Played tennis start a consulting business reduce tennis
Volunteered in classroom workout find a less time-consuming volunteer activity for kids school

There are trade-offs. When I do my evaluations, coach and advise clients, I get very specific as the amount of hours spent doing each activity. There are only so many hours in the day, and this is your life, not anybody else's life. It is your responsibility to manage your time and the efforts you put into realizing your dreams.

After you have determined where you are currently spending your time and energy, versus where you would like to spend your time (goals), come up with a plan of action. This is where you need to be brutally honest, and realistic. It helps if you tend to be an over planner to break the list into hours spent weekly, daily, or monthly. Considering that you are not going to expand the hours of any given time period (unless you are better versed than I am in quantum physics) that is the outer boundary of what you can do.

The lecture time is too short to go over all of the specifics for developing your plan. If you want more specifics, contact me after the program we can work out a plan together.

In Peter Senge's The Dance of Change, Michael Jones and Jon Shibley, two organizational learning consultants and professional jazz musicians, offer this insight into cultural change. "Performance cultures value perfection : You perform once, perfectly….Practice cultures, on the other hand, are inviting, welcoming, and participative. People in practice cultures do perform, but learning from performance becomes the primary goal."

This applies directly to How To Break Your New Year's Resolutions, instead of perfectly achieving a goal, we need to evaluate our resolutions in terms of practicing in order to achieve our goals.

Allow me to explain further. Some people are excellent at defining goals, setting them and devising a plan to help them reach their goals. In fact, it is a multi-million dollar if not billion dollar industry. There is a proliferation of leadership consultants, motivational gurus such as Tony Robbins and spiritual gurus that can help us find our way. What can be mis-leading is to operate under the assumption that we can control our destiny through proper planning. This is known as "linear thinking". In the best way it provides much needed structure in order to achieve our goals, but overdone, it becomes the end itself; too rigid and allows no room for the unexpected which inevitably will arise.

Anne Wilson Schaef, author of Living in Process and of Meditations for Women Who Do Too Much, explains that in order to move forward with our lives we need to relinquish our illusion of control. Many of the ills of current society stem from the stress we put on ourselves by trying to control ourselves and our relationships. Peace of mind and health result from really living our lives; both the good and the bad, participating in our lives not trying to control from the outside.

When you come up with a game plan to achieve your goal, the process is somewhat detached and analytical. It is fine in theory, but what do you do when something happens that you haven't anticipated? Something that throws you for a loop? That is irritating? Devastating? Or so unfair you have a hard time dealing with your emotions around the issue?

"Life is always uncertain. Nature is constantly in flux. If we're not living on the edge, to the fullest degree, it's usually because we're trying to control something that's really not controllable. We sleep on the same side of the bed. We park in the same space. We put lost of controls on our lives to keep things stable. But, the truth is, anything could happen at any minute. When we stop pretending that's not so and trust change, invite it in instead of hoping it'll go past our door today, when we let go and surrender-then life becomes magical.

Barbara DeAngelis
Women of Courage, Katharine Martin

So what do we do?

We put our focus on what we can control and trust that will are equipped to deal with the unexpected as the need arises. In other words, we plan to be flexible. We resolve to make process resolutions as opposed to resolutions that focus only on the end result.

What would this type of resolution look like?

I resolve to taking better care of my body this year by exercising, eating foods that are better for me and getting more sleep.

  • Make your resolution a positive statement.
  • Make it realistic
  • Write it down.

My plan to help me achieve this resolution is to:

  1. Do a cardio-vascular form of exercise three times a week.
  2. Lift weights at least once a week.
  3. Stretch daily. Even if only a few minutes.
  4. Twice a day do push ups and sit ups.
  5. Eat more vegetables.
  6. Drink at least five glasses of water every day.
  7. Two or three times a week get eight hours of sleep.

This is one of my resolutions. Although detailed and numerous, I have been doing this for awhile and make my resolutions a doable process. If I break any of these resolutions, I realize that these are process resolutions, not end goals. I can always do them again another day, or week. I keep practicing these resolutions until they are ingrained as a lifestyle change.

What happens if I fail to achieve these goals? I re-evaluate my intent to determine if this is really where I want to be focusing my time and energy. This form of process resolution is empowering.

According to Anne Wilson Schaef, "people who constantly see themselves as victims are constantly giving away their personal power, which can be thought of as a leaking away of the soul…as we take responsibility for our lives, admit whatever we have done, we shift internally and our personal and connection with the infinite grows. We are not here to be perfect. We are here to participate and grow. We are here to become who we are. Whatever happens in our life, however difficult it is, it is always an opportunity for growth and learning. We can learn from whatever presents itself to us."

This is also the main theme from my book, The Seven Aspects of Sisterhood: Empowering Women Through Self-Discovery. The book is appropriate for both men and women and is about living your life as a process. Although the book begins with a personality model, chapter six is about "Staying Centered and Finding Your Balance". The principles of living life as a process rather than focusing only on the end result, help us stay centered and find our balance in the chaos of day to day living. Towards the end of the book, I speak of the homing device towards wholeness that we all possess. If we follow the direction of our own inner voice, we are guided to follow the most desirable path. If we turn away from the advice, trouble may come our way or we may lose our power to others. In order to be empowered, we must learn to trust our own inner wisdom, not false goals or expectations given to us by others.

So break your resolution habit of focusing only on the goal, but instead make your resolutions relevant to how you want to live your life. In closing, I would like to leave you with a paraphrase of the words of Gandalf, the wizard, that he said to Frodo, the hobbit, in the new movie The Fellowship of the Ring. After Frodo expressed fear that he couldn't fulfill the task of protecting and destroying the ring:

"This is your life, it is up to you to decide how you will spend the time you have."

2002 is your year, it is up to you what you will do with your time. What resolutions will you make, if you haven't already made them? Will you decide to break your resolutions, or make ones that will realistically help you reach your goals?

"This is your life, it is up to you to decide how you will spend the time you have."

By the way here are some websites that might be helpful to you in keeping your New Year's resolutions: