Wise Women Using Keys to Unlock the Doors of Wisdom

Wise women represent archetypes or thematic stories. The women represented in the previous slides were typed according to the 7 Aspects Personality Model taken from my book, The 7 Aspects of Sisterhood: Empowering Women Through Self-Discovery. The 7 Aspects Personality Model is as follows:

King          Warrior
Priest          Server          Scholar
Storyteller          Artisan

They can be the older “crone” of Katherine Hepburn in her later years or Talia Shire, Jessica Tandy and the late Colleen Dewhurst. . In your face rule-breakers, such as Madonna and Pink. Powerful women who have softened through adversity such as Maya Angelou, Queen Latifah and Iyanla Van Zant. Priestesses such as Oprah Winfrey, Marianne Williamson, and Princess Diana.

Each one of these powerful women represents something. In fact, most of these women represent a common theme or archetype to the world. What I am interested in talking to you about today is not only their stories, but how you can use their stories to learn and grow. In other words, use their stories to unlock the doors of wisdom in your own life.

Even though I am as fascinated as the next person to hear about what is going on in the lives of famous women I admire, my most powerful female teachers were not celebrities, but women who made a personal impact on my life:

My mother
My grandmothers
My high school guidance counselor
My French teacher
My friends

These wise women were there for me when I was down and helped pick me up. Then they encouraged me to go on and make the best out of the experience. In other words, they instructed me that when life gives you lemons—make lemonade. In fact, I began to learn the lesson so well that I made enough lemonade to share with others.

The consistent message was that I often hid my power, but that if I believed in myself I could do great things!

It has taken me many years to understand that harsh comments and criticisms are feedback-- and that feedback is neither positive nor negative, it is just information. When we start to realize that wisdom imparted from others is information that we can choose to take in and use, put on the shelf or discard, we open the doors to a great wisdom of the universe; that we have choice.

This idea of choice was cultivated in me by many wise teachers. Counselors prodded me to learn and question. University teachers who encouraged me not to “sell out”. And a high school trigonometry teacher who opened the doors to a new belief that I really could do math.

Later in life I was fortunate to have a few women managers, one in particular, that I wrote about in my book, The 7 Aspects of Sisterhood, who gave me the space to fall down, but gently guided me to pick myself up. When I was the new systems analyst manager for the investment division for First Union National Bank, I was sabotaged by another woman in my department who wanted my position. One day after I had enough of subversive memos and back-stabbing, I went to my manager and complained about the behavior of this woman and how it wasn’t fair.

She sat back and smiled and said, “Well, it’s about time. I was wondering how long it would take before you decided to do something about it.”

I was flabbergasted and replied, “You knew?”

She said, “Of course, I was waiting for you to recognize that there was a problem and I wanted to see how you would deal with it.”

I was stunned and replied, “But that’s your job, we both report to you.”

She gave me a very powerful key when she replied, “No, it’s not. You see, if I deal with it, you will never learn how to deal with difficult people and she will plague you in one form or another for the rest of your life. There will always be someone like her. If you want to slay this dragon, then use that good brain of yours and figure out how to not only deal with this situation, but to get what you want.”

At first I was frustrated that I had to deal with it. I just wanted the problem to go away, or better yet, have that woman go away. But eventually, I did use my brain and developed a technique that enabled me to deal with difficult people. It is a technique that I teach in my leadership consulting programs and one of the techniques that helps me stay positive even when people are putting me down.

Take a moment and reflect back on your life.

In thinking about women who have influenced you, who have you learned from the most?
What were their names?
What about them struck you most powerfully?
Why did they influence you?
Did you use what you learned from them in your life? In what way?

If you haven’t already thanked them, then take some time when you go back home to write them a note and let them know how important they have been to you. In this way you keep the circle going. They feel appreciated and in turn will look for other opportunities to help you or someone else.

I believe in this so much that it is one of the cornerstone points in my new book Lead From the Inside Out. That of paying it forward and passing on what you’ve learned to others, in this way you will light the fire in someone else.

Common Traits that wise women share:

They possess that extra-special something that resonates with a deeper part of us.
They are willing to share their story and/or teaching to others.
What they teach has meaning beyond the obvious.
- A mother staying up until 3 am to sew a Halloween costume for her child, shows her deep love and willingness to sacrifice her time for her child as well as to sew the costume
- An older woman who takes the time to coach and mentor a younger woman is not only imparting wisdom, but also being open to learning from the younger. It is an example of empathy and caring.
They are willing to step outside the circle that has been drawn around them. They exhibit courage.

Wisdom and courage are demonstrated in many ways. You don’t have to be older to possess wisdom. A few years ago, a wonderful book was written called Gutsy Girls, which was a non-fiction that profiled many courageous young women.

Beth is courageous because climbing takes guts, but about a year and half ago, she demonstrated courage beyond what was written in the book. She and her boyfriend, Tommy Caldwell, two of the top sport climbers in the world were captured by rebels while climbing in the hostile Russian province of Krizigstan. They were kept at gunpoint for two weeks not sure if their captors would kill them or if anyone would come to their rescue. Eventually, she and Tommy were able to befriend one of their captors and were able to flee to safety, under gunfire.

When she came back to the US, all of the news shows were eager to interview her, but at first she declined because she was having a difficult time dealing with the experience. She felt that even though she came back alive, she left a part of her innocence in those mountains. She hated thoughts of “Kill or be killed” as she and Tommy plotted their escape, and was distressed over the poverty of her captors.

In the end, she felt fortunate to be alive and was looking for the meaning or reason for her miraculous survival. Beth’s wisdom is one from which we can all learn—We don’t always know the reason for something, or at least not right away. Sometimes we must be patient and wait for the knowing to come.

Another young woman who demonstrates courage and wisdom is Leslee Olson, a champion snowboarder who is sponsored by Burton. Leslee often lectures young women about her experiences competing on the international snowboard circuit. She imparts this wisdom,

“No matter what the situation, I push away my doubts and urge myself to succeed. Deep down, I know that I have the desire, determination, and heart to face any challenge that comes my way.”

Leslee continues to reinforce that theme,

One of God’s greatest miracles is to enable ordinary people to do extraordinary things. You can accomplish anything you set your mind to, but only if you believe in yourself.

In February 2001 the San Francisco Chronicle ran an article entitled, Profiles in Courage an obvious takeoff on John F. Kennedy’s book of the same name. But the twist was that this article was about women. Dave Murphy, the editor, wrote about Maya Angelou and Elizabeth Dole, both wise women who have significantly contributed to improving the image of women in contemporary society.

Both women talked about how they had to overcome wide-ranging obstacles, from Angelou being raped at age 8 to Dole becoming the nation’s first female secretary of transportation in 1983, and recently North Carolina’s first female senator.

In the words of Maya Angelou, “Courage is crucial because without it, you won’t be able to be consistent with your other values. I suggest you develop courage the same way you develop muscle. You develop a muscle by doing small things first.” And following her own advice, she makes it a point not to stay in a room where racially offensive comments are made. When she was younger, all she would do was leave the room without comment. Now she is more likely to speak up, where she does so eloquently as a professor of American Studies at Wake Forest University.

Elizabeth Dole spoke about how difficult it was for her family to handle her ambition of becoming a lawyer in an era where that wasn’t acceptable for women. She described how a judge dragged her into her first case before she was ready. She eventually won the case, but learned a lot about being prepared, a lesson she used when she folded her first presidential bid due to lack of funding.

Dole said that her years in politics have convinced her of the value of building relationships-even with people in the opposing party. When she was secretary of labor, she spoke frequently with leaders of unions trying to find some common ground. She applauds the growing involvement of women in both business and politics.

Dole notes that although women are more assertive than they used to be, often they yield to men when disagreements occur. “We women still don’t always trust our instincts. How many times have you questioned your own judgment instead of his and then found out later that you were right?”

Another woman of courage is:

Heather Whitestone McCallum; Miss America of 1995

McCallum was the first Miss America with a disability in the pageant’s 75 year history. McCallum became deaf at 18 months after contracting a bacterial infection. Today she reads lips and is more comfortable speaking orally than communicating in sign language. McCallum’s life in and of itself is inspirational, but the message she wants to convey to students as she travels is to say that you will face great obstacles that may keep you from pursuing your dreams, but set short-term goals and maintain a positive attitude.

Words such as those of McCallum, Angelou, and Dole are inspirational to us. What is important to keep in mind is that wise women like these can give us keys to unlock the doors, but we must walk through them. In order to apply this wisdom in our daily lives we need to realize that real growth and attainment of goals comes step by step.

When we see our goals off in the distance it can become overwhelming. Thoughts of fear and doubt can paralyze us from moving forward. Hardships make us feel like turning away and running back through the door to where we were.

If we can keep in mind that the journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step, we can have the courage to go forward.

Wisdom comes to us in many ways. Some women dispense wisdom through inspirational words and lives, others are more practical. Take Kathleen Kelley Reardon, who explains the subtleties of business in her book, The Secret Handshake: Mastering the Politics of the Business Inner Circle” Reardon wisely advises to be aware of office politics if you want to stick around.

Even men are beginning to recognize that interpersonal relationships are a key ingredient to the being a successful leader in business. She says that women should focus on being more strategic and selective in making connections.

Practical advice can also come to us in the stories we share with each other. Quite often when I speak to university students, I am asked to talk about my personal experiences.

Usually after my talks, there will be several women in the audience who come up to me and share their own. It seems to be a common theme among women that we feel more comfortable around other women when we hear that they had to deal with hardships in their lives. Even some of the most powerful women you can think of are powerful because of adversities they have had to overcome. My new audiobook Lead From the Inside Out discusses how to manifest our destiny by learning how to overcome obstacles such as these.

Life is a journey, a process, a series of experiences both good and bad from which we learn. Real joy and peace comes from how we allow these experiences to affect our lives. Will we learn from them or will we suffer from feelings of being victimized and put upon, thereby perpetuating the cycle?

I would like to impart these five points of wisdom for you to consider:

Pay attention and quiet the negative voices inside your head
Go inside to get your wisdom
Have courage to bring the wisdom out
Manifest your destiny by overcoming obstacles
Pay it forward by igniting the fire in someone else

It seems that when I really need inspiration or help the most, there is always someone, both women and men that have been there for me to light the way. Recently as I have been going through a soul-searching period about the direction of my work, I have been inspired by a few powerful women. One of whom is the CEO of Hewlett-Packard, Carly Fiorina. She has inspired me because of her undaunting courage to hold the course of her vision even in the face of extreme public criticism and opposition. She has championed change and the merger of HP and Compaq. Although it remains to be seen how effective that change will be, I admire her dedication to stay centered and on course.

I admire that Carly is a Renaissance woman—with an undergraduate degree in history and philosophy, but also possesses the edge and credentials of a thinking and rational business person. In other words, she can play the game in the traditional male-dominated venue of CEO level big business politics and remain a creative intuitive woman at the same time. I for one am watching to she how well she succeeds and am willing to learn from both her successes and her mistakes.

As women I believe we must be willing to learn from each other. Instead of pointing to the times we women are off-balance or are not being the best we can be, I encourage each of us in this room, to look for the good rather than the bad. None of us are perfect, but each of us will be more effective in our dealings with others if we have the courage to be who we really are, as well as give others the freedom to do the same.

That is wisdom. That is support and that is respect.

In closing, I would like to read these words of Carly Fiorina which have held special meaning for me;

“Never sell your soul because nobody can pay you back. Ever. To me, being your whole self, your true self is as much as part of success as anything else. I am who I am....If you feel you are constrained or are selling your soul or leaving a part of yourself behind, then you aren’t performing to your potential and should go somewhere else.”

Although Carly’s words were spoken for the workplace, I believe they are just as important for us at home, here at the university—whether you are a student, faculty or staff.

Success is born out of what is authentic inside of you. Honor that. Be who you were meant to be-not who you were told you should be and not who you think it would be nice to be. That is Real Power and if you are being yourself, right where you are you will be amazed at how powerful your influence on others will be……….That is the essence of leadership….Women in Leadership with the Power to influence by being authentically who they are….Let’s get started!

Any questions?